My Husband Has a Mistress

Upon returning home from work yesterday I found a package placed on the front porch...mostly likely left by the UPS man. King Ralph has a quiet relationship with our UPS driver, and when I say quiet I mean quiet in the sense that hopefully he gets to packages before I do. These days we get an awful lot of packages. (None with my name on them.)

I brought the package in dumped it in the front foyer. When M came home she immediately caught eye of the package and says "what did dad buy for his girlfriend this time? Shoes, he got her some new shoes." Honestly I didn't look. I don't bother to look anymore. You see his girlfriend, Harley, gets more attention than all the really meaningful woman in his life. She gets better full body massages than I have ever gotten in our twenty-three years together. Not to mention her globes have been grouped to the point that I am starting to think she will need headlight augmentation. While I was gone in New Orleans King Ralph spent his birthday lottery of cash on a couple of leather purses for her to carry around. Upon seeing them M screeches out "look she got mo-murses." I begin wondering why King Ralph won't carry my purse around all day but this broad will carry not one but two purses for him all day. Now wonder he loves her so much. She is his captive slave. Sometimes I find him the garage, the location of the affair, just gazing into her well-polished silver body--probably catching the reflection of his ten-mile wide grin.

It's not just his love affair with Harley I have to worry about it's his still unnamed Wild Hogs group of mid-life crisis buddies...although they are short one hog and accepting applications. Last weekend for some insane reason King Ralph thought Nancy and I would hop on the back of the girlfriends and sweat our arses off in the 100* Sunday heat just so we could be a part of there sick obsessed world. FYI Hubby: We are no biker babes, nor do we wish to become ones! No leather chaps and no slinky lace trimmed tank tops with skulls silk screened on the front for us.

So while he may spend an awful lot of time courting Harley, pouring his undivided love and admiration into her, I am okay with it being-- "just the two of you." This is one relationship that will not become a threesome. On the flip side I have found the goodness in this love affair, she has been a refuge from his mother's continued stay in the ICU-- the open road soothes the soul. And, since she gets an awful lot of nice mistress gifts I am finding I get the things I want--like my new Blackberry.

Hmmmm, what to want next?
(this photo was taken pre mo-murses, when I think about I will take one with her fine black silver studded saddle bags. They're to die for. hehehehe)